Classics
//
And there will be no place to hide
By
Charles Hodges .
08.25.09 //
Classics
// And there will be no place to hide
By
Charles Hodges .
08.25.09 //
Classics
A classic can’t be enjoyed by the current generation or the generation after that. It is contextually referential, which is a complicated way of saying that it can’t be a classic unless your great grandmother was alive when it was invented. And that is a complicated way of saying old things that last become classics. And that is a complicated way of saying some things are good and some things aren’t. And that is a complicated way of saying my kids won’t remember Lindsay Lohan. And that’s a complicated way of saying that I will keep some things from my kids. And that’s a complicated way of saying that my kids will never know that I was fan of the Charlotte Hornets. And that’s a complicated way of telling the truth, which, in the end, isn’t usually that complicated, but rather just a more difficult thing to say.
But I’ll say it because the internet will be around when I have kids and they will be able to see what their dad used to say back in the day (we never had this luxury, folks). But their pops would do it. He would proclaim himself a Charlotte Hornets fan. He would say he missed them (the Charlotte Hornets that is) because they represented his own youth. And his kids (my kids) will use this article as ammunition against me when I don’t/didn’t see them on their birthdays. But of course none of that has happened. And I’ve still got plenty of time to mess things up. And the Charlotte Hornets won’t be there. But that won’t matter. Because I will tell them all about them. About Kurt Rambis in the expansion draft. About the nachos. About my Starter jacket. And they’ll say, “but we know about that, we read your articles.” And I’ll say, “those old things?” And they’ll say, “yeah.” And I’ll say, “those weren’t articles – more like experiments.” And they’ll say, “fuck and shit.” And I’ll say, “where did you learn those words?” And they’ll say, “on the internet. From you.” And I’ll say, “where is your mother?” And they’ll leave the playroom and I’ll stare at the faded Mugsy Bogues poster on the wall above my son’s expensive robot toys. The piano coda of Layla will come on. And I’ll sit back and think to myself, “what else do they know?”
Thinking about making a documentary? At the very least, here is what you will need:
An opening sequence that involves a car
This is an impeccable formula. It helps if the car is moving.
Experts that no one has ever heard of
No matter how well known your subject matter is, we won’t accept your documentary as truthful and thorough if you don’t have people we have never heard of talking about it. Make sure their name comes up in white right underneath their face and get them to tell a story that they think is funny, even if we don’t. After all, if they are laughing, then they had to be there. Right?
A scene in a restaurant
It’s always important to show just how flattered and uncomfortable a camera can make the waitress of a diner feel. Pick one that allows smoking.
Famous people being normal
It’s not a documentary if the subject doesn’t eat a Dairy Queen blizzard, play basketball or receive a call from their parents. If you are making a documentary and it’s not about famous people, you still have to show it. If they are bus drivers, show them watching Jeopardy. While this won’t have the normalizing effect that it does with famous people, it will show us your subject is just as pathetic as we are.
A shot of rain falling outside of a window
You should try to place this about 65% of the way through the film. Play some deep cut Nick Drake over it and show a montage of family life. Really good if you are shooting in black and white. Even better if there is some theme of unemployment.
A scene that starts with a phone call
It doesn’t matter what they are talking about. Just make they are upset about something, out of focus and act like they don’t know you are there.
A time lapse that involves a lot of people moving
Most documentaries have either a concert, speech or some other kind of massive gathering. Film this. All you have to do is set up a camera.
A making of the documentary that is two times longer than the actual documentary
After all, you are in this for YOU to become famous. Make sure you have at least three stories of how you almost died during the filming of the piece. Mention in your interview how you could “retire from this industry” because you don’t know how you would ever top it. After talking about yourself for 45 minutes, make sure you give credit to the subjects of your documentary by claiming that you “just happened to be there”. If you are a male director, make sure you have a beard, a hat and worn down coffee mug. If you are female director, make sure you talk about how there aren’t enough of you out there.
Simple, loaded questions that can be re-edited to fit the overall theme of the documentary so the particular worldview that you want to project onto society comes gleaming through
Let’s say you are going to do a documentary about teachers. Let’s say you are interviewing a teacher at home and you notice that he gives his family milk for dinner. Ask him why. He will reply, “because it is good”. If you set out to prove the merits of teaching you now have the closing shot of your film. This miniscule detail will serve not as looked over character trait, but as a microcosm for the entire world of pedagogy. Even though you filmed that in the very beginning, it can now close your film in a perfect cyclical manner. You will be perceived as an genius. You will eventually believe that perception. You will believe you have done something great. Teachers are good. You are great. Film school was worth it. Roll the credits.
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