Fitness

Fitness

We don’t like your writing skills, internet users.

Unfortunately the advent of the internet seems to have aided in the bastardization of the English language and we’d like to point out to you a handful of the common mistakes, unneeded abbreviations and internet slang that we find troubling.

First of all ‘lolz’ simply has to go away. Not only is this stupid, it is also offensive to look at. Any word with a ‘z’ at the end in place of an ‘s’ is pretty much guaranteed to be an abomination. The following is a real comment we found on a video we made and we think it serves as a wonderful example: “dis iz funny az hell,” and I hope that is exactly what they inscribe on that dude’s headstone after he falls into an open manhole and dies.

This brings up our next point of contention: the unneeded and aggressively overused acronyms. For example, ‘Lmfao’, which is an acronym of the phrase “laughing my f___ing ass off.” This would be an annoying statement even without the abbreviation. Another version of this is ‘rofl’ and it is equally lame in both its sentiment as well as its aesthetic qualities. Read it out loud phonetically. It sounds like the noise one makes just before vomiting. How very fitting.

Apparently in an effort to save much needed time, people have found it more convenient to simply type one character in place of an entire word, provided that letter sounds like the word when spoken. The most common use of this boorish tactic involves the letter ‘u’ as a stand in for the word ‘you.’ We’ve culled another example from yet another comment on the aforementioned video: “Wut a fag??? bet if u where there u wouldent have said shit bitch.” That idiot is all over the map of illiteracy and unculturedness (Yes, we made up that word).

In addition to this is the use of ‘ur’ in place of ‘you’re’ or ‘your’ (a distinction we’re sure doesn’t cross their minds when using this sad stand-in for a word) in emails or text messages. These two sneaky little bastards seem to have magically appeared not too long ago, and now, we feel have worn out their welcome. It’s next to impossible to be apathetic when we see either of these internet idiosyncrasies, as we have a suspicion that most of the people who use these two moronic literary devices cannot discern the proper English word from their slang derivative. Sadly, for some, it is quite simple to realize that there is no hope, and the variants are used out of necessity, as in “fuk u ur a bitch fag LOLOLOLOLOLOL.” What’s upsetting about this is how it’s actually becoming par for the course, if I may borrow a golf term and apply it to a subject unrelated to that sport. This leads us to assume that the rest of them use them to either save time, which it does not, or to appear chic to the internet community* at large, which it also does not.

The list goes on and on and would eventually dovetail into a never-ending critique of the decline of the English language, our nation’s failing education, the negative impact of modern media, and so on and so forth. Suffice it to say that we are more than just annoyed by this recent development; we are legitimately frightened at what the future holds for mankind, and all we have to say is WTF?

Thank you for your time. – Ben and Ryan

*Should we be calling this a community? I mean really?

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View Comments / Oct 11.09 / Fitness / by Ben and Ryan

// When it’s not working out

By Jordan Childs .
10.10.09 // Fitness

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View Comments / Oct 10.09 / Fitness / by Jordan Childs

// When Life Was The Gym

By Joey Camire .
10.07.09 // Fitness

MMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!

Today over two thirds of Americans are either overweight or obese. Let me first start by saying “HOLY FUCK” and follow that up with a quick “we’re doomed.” Two thirds of Americans! Two out of every three of us. Obviously, not exactly the best topic to write about. I’ve already insulted more than half of anyone reading this in the first two sentences. Nice work. But it’s true. We’ve grown soft and squishy and we smell of Crisco and Bud Heavy. I mean the researchers are just being nice really. “Two thirds of Americans are overweight or obese” they write, that line should read “Two thirds of Americans get tired walking to the refrigerator, but the brave the trek because they are fucking hungry” or the alternative alternative “Two thirds of Americans have breasts while only half of Americans are women” or something of the sort. You get it. Were fat.

People have started trying to fix this. At the same time we’ve started looking like Kelly Clarkson pre-airbrush we’ve also grown obsessed with fitness. A bit of a contradiction. If you’ve ever been to a major city in the U.S you’ve seen the product of this obesession. There are as many gyms as there are Starbucks. Literally, there was a recent census on the number of gyms and the results came back and just said “A Fucking Lot”. If this is the case the question is how the hell did all of our asses get so fat? I mean if there are so many gyms why are our thighs so dimply? It’s cause all we’re doing is catching up.

6a00e54ecc66978833011570b3b05e970b-500wi It’s true. Humor me for a moment. Before there were desk jobs and the “interwebz” and McDonald’s there was what people called “LIVING”. That’s right before our modern lives filled with sitting on ass, people had to move and work to live. You couldn’t have groceries delivered to your house. You actually had to go out and hunt things and bring them home and then cook them yourselves. Go figure. You had to build your own shelter, raise your own kids, tend your own flock, record your own episodes of Grey’s Anatomy. I know. Barbaric. There is actually a study that was just released that said our culture is literally half way to the culture in WALL-E. I can’t back that up. But the point is people were moving around and exercising on a daily basis much more than they do today. Compare a day of manual labor to one hour three times a week at a gym. There is no comparison.

This lead me to think more specifically about what we actually do at the gym. Everything we do there had an original daily counterpart, with a few exceptions like that side to side gliding machine (I really just don’t get that thing, see the video below). Here are some examples of exercises and their original counterparts, some more obvious than others.

Lat Press = Climbing Shit
Leg Press = Lifting Shit
Bicep Curls = Digging Holes
Row Machine = A Boat
Treadmill = Walking

That last one’s my favorite. The point is were fat cause were slow and stagnant and our daily activities have shifted. Originally, fitness was an indicator of a person’s ability to tend to their family and their likelihood of reproductive success. Today fitness is only an indicator of a gym membership. In the end if we’re all fat, we’ll all still get laid. So what if its sweaty, tired, short, hyperventilating sex. That’s still sex. That’s all we really want isn’t it? Well that and something that wipes our asses for us. But in the mean time we can settle for the sex.