Starting Over

Starting Over

12/7/08

Well, Diary, it’s been a month now, and a whole lot has changed. My life has relaxed quite a bit, at least as compared to the year leading up to the election. Oh sure, everyone is so supportive, “You’ll be able to focus on the things you love!” they say. Well, my friends, you can’t spend every waking hour of your life focused on prune juice and Vietnamese hookers. Trust me, I’ve tried. It leads to regular bowel movements and regular shots of penicillin, and at my age regularity really isn’t that important. My friend, I’d rather shit my pants in public just to get back on C-Span. Regularity doesn’t make headlines. Look at Sarah Palin. There isn’t a regular bone in her maverick body… Although, there was once, but that was during the prune obsession and I’d rather not discuss it. She tried to give me an “Alaskan Pipeline” look it up… I don’t know what they are doing up there in the great white north, but I can tell you if I had been elected president I would have sold that thing back. Gross. That’s all.

Well, anyway, I figure it’s time to start over again. You know. Stick a spur in my maverick and make some slightly non-conformist decisions. I don’t want to go too far fringe. All I need is Sean Hanity poking around with softball questions. It’s like being interviewed by a middle school newspaper reporter. For that reason, I’ve started taking yoga classes. Coincidentally, my friend, this is why I had to quit the prunes. There is a lot of stretching in those classes. But, the class is taught by a cute little Korean girl. Namaste. I’ll tell you what diary, that would have been the war to be in, forget ‘Nam, send me to Seoul.

With my new found energy from the the yoga I’ve also started experimenting in new vocations. Now listen, my friend, I’ve never been the most eloquent orator, but where does that get you? Other than the white house? Nowhere. So I’ve decided to use my words for good. I’ve started writing a series of children’s books called “Johnny The Maverick”. They’re, of course, loosely based off of different mavericky escapades of my life. It can give that working man something to read with his boy, over a cold Schlitz, something that they can both aspire to. I’ve decided to publish them under a pseudonym, after much thought, I’ve settled on “Reynold the Writer.” Of course all good books need to be illustrated so I’ve enlisted the help of “Arty the Artist.” Before you know it, this country is going to be brimming with Mavericks, just you wait.

My friend, I know this probably all sounds so crazy, but I know what I’m doing. You don’t get the name Maverick without taking some chances. Trust me, I’ve eaten at Hardee’s and devoured the Monster Thick Burger. Not even the prunes could make regular that cube of cow flesh, but that’s where my little Cambodian nurse comes in. My friend, she filmed the procedure and titled it “Enema Of The State.” But I digress.

Next week I’m going to try sushi. If you’re starting over, what better place than your diet? Plus I hear they have some little Japanese waitresses… Sake it to me my friend.

Your Friend,
Johnny Mav

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View Comments / Jun 25.09 / Starting Over / by Joey Camire

// America’s Silent Partner

By Charles Hodges .
03.19.09 // Motels

if we didn’t have motels, we wouldn’t have running water,
because running water depends on a government funded utilities department
and utilities departments are large, slowly run bureaucracies
and bureaucracies are run by overweight white men who have
low morals and sweat too much
and most of these men married their wives when they were much younger because they thought it would help their image in climbing the
ladder of the bureaucracy.
but slowly, like moss growing on a boulder,
their wives became unattractive to them,
and they lost interest, and wanted to have an affair, so
they went to country club,
but since they are overweight white men that sweat too much, they couldn’t
find anyone who wanted to have a proper affair.
now,
they could go back to the utilities company and take their frustration out on their secretary who would then take their frustration out on a dispatch person who would then take their frustration out on an operator who would then take their frustration out on the dials that control the water supply
and the water would stop running.
but that doesn’t happen.
no.
our white, overweight leader of the water utility bureaucracy doesn’t get frustrated because he can’t have a proper affair with someone else’s wife at the country club.
no.
do You know what he does?
he tells his wife he is going to get a frosty from wendy’s,
but then,
he doesn’t go to wendy’s.
he goes to hardee’s
near the airport,
but not for a thickburger,
no.
he goes there because
that’s where the cheap hookers are.
he can’t go to the stoplight by morton’s steakhouse because that’s where
the high-class hookers go.
he can’t do that,
because people will see him.
and even though he’s the leader of the water utilities department
it doesn’t net him enough money to get one of the hookers from
the stoplight outside morton’s.
no
he has to go to hardee’s at the airport.
he picks her up.
she gets in.
they go to a motel.
and he gets whatever someone gets from a hooker from hardee’s near the airport.
and
he doesn’t
go back to the utilities company and take his frustration out on the secretary who would then take her frustration out on a dispatch person who would then take his frustration out on an operator who would then take his frustration out on the dials that control the water supply.
no,
he goes to the motel.
so You can take a bath.
so You can water your plants.
so You can drink a nice, clean, cool glass from the sink in your kitchen.
and a thousand other things run just as smooth,
because of the secrets of the motel.
the motel
sitting out there,
in the dark,
waiting
for You