Summer Blockbusters
//
“It is the East, and Sarah is the sun”
By
Joey Camire .
07.21.10 //
Summer Blockbusters
// “It is the East, and Sarah is the sun”
By
Joey Camire .
07.21.10 //
Summer Blockbusters
Not sure how much y’all keep up with Sarah Palin, but some of you might have heard about one more in a long line of controversial statements she made recently. Long story short, she had a series of tweets that contained either made-up or misused words. Now, if you’ve ever read any of my posts before, you will know that I am in no place to criticize, my spelling is horrendous and I’m still figuring out that comma thing. However, that’s not what made the whole debacle interesting, that feat goes to the following tweet:
“”Refudiate,” “misunderestimate,” “wee-wee’d up.” English is a living language. Shakespeare liked to coin new words too. Got to celebrate it!”
That’s right “folks,” Sarah Palin isn’t afraid to give herself credit where credit is due. She loves making up words. She regularly sends submissions to Mirriam-Webster. But everyone has got something to say. “Haters gonna hate.” However, Sarah Palin is not the type of person to let people make vacuous claims sitting down, “you betcha” she’s gonna prove it to the world that she is as Shakespearean as the next hockey-mom.
This summer Sarah Palin will be staring in a series of Hollywood Blockbuster re-makes of Shakespeare’s classics. Take a look at the posters below. (Click the images to see the originals.)
Sarah Palin in Hamlet – “A countenance more in sorrow than in anger.”
Sarah Palin in Othello – “Thus do I ever make my fool my purse.”
Sarah Palin in Romeo and Juliet - “O! she doth teach the torches to burn bright”
Sarah Palin in Shakespeare In Love – “I liked it when she stabbed herself, Your Majesty.”
Dead socialists hate the living.
For once, Sarah Palin is right. Death panels are a reality in the United States.
Diet fads have come and gone, but fruits and vegetables are always high on the list of good things to eat. Turns out, fruits and vegetables have been keeping an eye on us. Nature has been death paneling all over the place, killing unproductive members of society for centuries, because Nature’s death panel hates you and your fat. Fruits and vegetables are the only sacrifice we can make to this fickle panel of dead socialists.
We don’t need more government workers for a new death panel; nature does it for us. If you eat enough steaks and subsequent shakes, nature will kill you. But there’s hope: turns out, the death panel loves fresh peaches. The more people eat unrefined, whole foods, the less likely we are to die a vicious, gangrenous death, like Nick Jonas.*
Nature’s death panel has been violently unfair to the living, deciding who will live or die based on “genetics” and “lifestyle.” Didn’t like calcium-rich spinach so much? Death. Liked orange juice but hated the fiber-filled orange? Death. Bacon? Super death. You get the idea. Nature will kill you way before the government does.
*Nick Jonas actually has Type 1 diabetes, which means that he didn’t get diabetes from eating too many McGriddles. He is also not dead. He will die someday.
//
Some Roads Should Remain Less Traveled
By
Joey Camire .
07.26.09 //
The Road Less Traveled
// Some Roads Should Remain Less Traveled
By
Joey Camire .
07.26.09 //
The Road Less Traveled
We are living in a society based on individuality at its very core. You would not be hard pressed to find countless historical examples of great American figures telling people to cut against the grain, “Go West”, or take “the road less traveled by.” And there is merit to these rallying cries. They’ve been a foundation that have pushed people to be innovative and creative and many more adjectives that refer to our need to be different. We are a culture built on being true to our innermost selves, allowing for strange idiosyncrasies to manifest themselves in the oddest of ways. But therein lies the rub. Maybe we’ve taken it a little too far. Can you say Avril Lavigne? There is a difference between taking the road less traveled with the goal of ending up somewhere, and getting lost and not asking for directions. The land of the free may be too free for the discretion of some. Oh, they aren’t hurting anyone, and they deserve to express themselves however they see fit, but below is a list of some roads that should remain less traveled by.
Mime/Clown School
Working out only the top half of your body, so your legs look ridiculous.
Wearing Man-Pris (man capris)
Driving a Volkswagen Beetle
Attending a 3OH!3 concert
Supporting Sarah Palin for president 2012
Visiting daily PerezHilton.com
Public Nose Picking (I shouldn’t even have to say this one, but if you live in NYC you understand why! It’s like preschool all over again.)
Drinking Kambucha Tea (Looks like the hairball in the shower.)
Kombucha Tea
Lower back tattoos for men
Blow-out hair cuts
Civil War reenactments
Leather pants
Prostitution
Sarah McLachlan fan club
Being on the cast of “The Real Houswives” in New Jersey or Orange County or Atlanta or NYC
Wearing Tie-Dye in the 21st century
The Build-A-Bear Workshop
Crying after 30 second TV commercials
Star Jones’ career path
John Goodman’s colon
More than three hair colors at the same time
As you can see, there are a lot of paths that should remain less traveled by. There are a TON more that I can’t think of so if you email me at joey@blommit.com I’ll add them to the list with your credit.
Continuing Support of George Bush with a “W 04″ sticker on your bumper. (from PJacobs51)
//
Diary Of A Maverick
By
Joey Camire .
06.25.09 //
Starting Over
// Diary Of A Maverick
By
Joey Camire .
06.25.09 //
Starting Over
12/7/08
Well, Diary, it’s been a month now, and a whole lot has changed. My life has relaxed quite a bit, at least as compared to the year leading up to the election. Oh sure, everyone is so supportive, “You’ll be able to focus on the things you love!” they say. Well, my friends, you can’t spend every waking hour of your life focused on prune juice and Vietnamese hookers. Trust me, I’ve tried. It leads to regular bowel movements and regular shots of penicillin, and at my age regularity really isn’t that important. My friend, I’d rather shit my pants in public just to get back on C-Span. Regularity doesn’t make headlines. Look at Sarah Palin. There isn’t a regular bone in her maverick body… Although, there was once, but that was during the prune obsession and I’d rather not discuss it. She tried to give me an “Alaskan Pipeline” look it up… I don’t know what they are doing up there in the great white north, but I can tell you if I had been elected president I would have sold that thing back. Gross. That’s all.
Well, anyway, I figure it’s time to start over again. You know. Stick a spur in my maverick and make some 
slightly non-conformist decisions. I don’t want to go too far fringe. All I need is Sean Hanity poking around with softball questions. It’s like being interviewed by a middle school newspaper reporter. For that reason, I’ve started taking yoga classes. Coincidentally, my friend, this is why I had to quit the prunes. There is a lot of stretching in those classes. But, the class is taught by a cute little Korean girl. Namaste. I’ll tell you what diary, that would have been the war to be in, forget ‘Nam, send me to Seoul.
With my new found energy from the the yoga I’ve also started experimenting in new vocations. Now listen, my friend, I’ve never been the most eloquent orator, but where does that get you? Other than the white house? Nowhere. So I’ve decided to use my words for good. I’ve started writing a series of children’s books called “Johnny The Maverick”. They’re, of course, loosely based off of different mavericky escapades of my life. It can give that working man something to read with his boy, over a cold Schlitz, something that they can both aspire to. I’ve decided to publish them under a pseudonym, after much thought, I’ve settled on “Reynold the Writer.” Of course all good books need to be illustrated so I’ve enlisted the help of “Arty the Artist.” Before you know it, this country is going to be brimming with Mavericks, just you wait.
My friend, I know this probably all sounds so crazy, but I know what I’m doing. You don’t get the name Maverick without taking some chances. Trust me, I’ve eaten at Hardee’s and devoured the Monster Thick Burger. Not even the prunes could make regular that cube of cow flesh, but that’s where my little Cambodian nurse comes in. My friend, she filmed the procedure and titled it “Enema Of The State.” But I digress.
Next week I’m going to try sushi. If you’re starting over, what better place than your diet? Plus I hear they have some little Japanese waitresses… Sake it to me my friend.
Your Friend,
Johnny Mav
Many of you may already be expressing confusion… The Fluffer? What the hell is that? That just goes to show the lack of praise and attention Professional Fluffers get.
For those whom are still in the dark, a Fluffer is the person on an adult video set who keeps the men “Ready For Action” between takes… “Standing at Attention”… “Hard At Work”… you get it.
This role has been vital for such seminal classics (see what I did there?) as “Debbie Does Dallas” and “Deep Throat” all the way to the modern hits such as “Pirates” or “Who’s Nailin’ Paylin“.
However, Fluffers have traditionally never been anything more than a name in the credits. And while some more dedicated fans may sit through the credits, I have a sneaking suspicion that most teenage boys don’t watch the credits of porn films. Lord Knows I didn’t.
This, however, does not do justice to the professionalism and training that these unsung heroes possess. You can’t just start as a professional, there are many tests that are involved, forms to learn; it takes time to move from amateur to professional. Today, in many ways, the fluffer has become nothing more than a joke to some, as this t-shirt demonstrates. I’m here to set the record straight for these timeless strokers. Here are the rules the Professional Fluffer lives by.
1) Stimulate, Don’t Ejaculate
This is the first and most important rule. Many of you remember that girl in highschool, she went by many different names, but most people just called her a ‘Tease.’ Fluffers are constantly aiming for blue balls. This has been a factor in ruining the marriages of many professional fluffers. They want to please their partners, but they can’t bring themselves to finish the job. Many spouses of fluffers have gone blind from blue balls, or even worse “Died”… who knew that old trick was actually true!
2) Friction is the enemy!
Some shoots can take up to 8 hours, so as you might imagine, there is a lot of fluffing going on. It is vital for Fluffers to maintain “Maximum Viscocity.” There are more occupational hazards than you think. Do you remember on the playground? When someone would give you an indian sunburn? Imagine that on another part of your anatomy… Yeah. Friction is the enemy.
3) No Eye Contact
I mean seriously, that’s just awkward.
4) Oral or Manual Only
Many times stars will ask for more, but any Fluffer worth their weight knows to keep it professional. There will be no reach arounds, rusty trombones, gorrilla mists, houdinis, donkey punches, belgian waffles, turkey jerky, snoodling, docking, or any thing else. Oral or manual, those are the rules.
Without these expert floggers, these certified strokers, these master… baters (I know, but come on), we would not have a porn industry, and we would have nothing to do in our free time. By bringing new meaning to the “Hand Job”, they allow us those three minutes of ectasy before we go to sleep alone at night.
Here’s to you Professional Fluffers, the key support of an entire industry. May you never know the pains of carpal tunnel, arthritis or hand cramps. I’d give you a high five, if I didn’t know where those hands had been.
- a
Some might think it odd, but when I think of child birth its not the things you might assume that come to mind. I don’t think of water breaking. I don’t think of the woman losing control of her bowels during childbirth (which is very common). And, unlike Tom Cruise, I don’t think of making pizza with the placenta (though here is a recipe I found online http://www.twilightheadquarters.com/placenta.html).
The truth is when I think of childbirth, my thoughts wander back to when the child was conceived. That passionate, missionary style, before she falls asleep, once a week kind of love.
That got me thinking… What if the type of sex your parents had when they conceived you determined the type of person you would be? Think about that for a second. No not your parents. Use someone else as an example, don’t be gross. What type of fucked up sex are people having to make some of the people you come across everyday.
I’ve decided to look at peoples personalities, and try to go back in time to figure out what kind of sex their parents were having when they were conceived. I was going to start with myself to be fair, but due to an awful car ride with my mom and an ex-girlfriend, I know I was conceived on Valentines Day 1984 when my mom didn’t wear her diaphragm as a gift to my dad. I’ve never been the same.
Ben Cheney
Ben is extremely detail oriented. He loves music, god, and cheap wine.
His conception: His dad had just finished a long week of work. He wanted to unwind so on the way home he picked up a couple of bottles of Boone’s Farm. After polishing off several bottles, he was feeling the effects of the wine. He fingered through his record collection and found it, “God Loves You From The Inside: a compilation of the greatest christian love songs of 1983”. He dropped the needle on “God Invented Missionary For A Reason”, and got completely naked. Ben’s mother walked into the living room to find Ben’s father butt naked singing along “if God wanted you to do it that way, then why is it called doggy style?” He laid her down on the carpet and gave it to her at exactly 30 TPMs (thrusts per minute) for a full three minutes, just the way she likes it. That’s why Ben is the way he is.
Now not all cases are this involved. Some are much more simple to figure out. Lets look at another example.
Alex Aloise
Alex is OBSESSED with wrestling.
His Conception: His father gave his mother the pile driver. Here is a diagram.
Robert Downy Jr.
His parents were going through a role playing stage… And a heroin stage.
John Stewart
His father hated himself and his mother thought that was funny, then they had sex.
Sarah Palin
Her parents were teachers, and they never mixed work with pleasure.
Ashlee Simpson
Her mom faked it.
Chuck Norris
Immaculate Conception
Paris Hilton
Her parents were trying out erotic asphyxiation, unfortunately they cut off oxygen to the egg and sperm too, integral to brain development.
Chris Rock
Hate Sex
Mel Gibson
Good old drunk sex in a church.
Daniel Craig
He was conceived on a floating bed made of wool above an erupting volcano while Marvin Gay’s lets get it on played after a his parents fed each other chocolate covered habanero peppers in the middle of the summer. (god he is hot)
Snoop Dogg
Doggy Style baby. Like you didn’t see that one coming.
You get the idea so go and try this out for yourself. Share your examples if you have some, they make me giggle.
Loading ...
