My parents sent me to doctors and speech therapists all over the country to try to ‘cure’ my lisp, but nothing has worked.  We thought it was a nervous tick at first.  But it’s not, because I don’t get nervous.  I’m missing the part of my brain that creates the nervous feeling inside of people.  So that can’t be it.

Then they thought I may have something wrong with my tongue muscles, but that wasn’t right either.  They were going to give me a tongue transplant but called off the surgery at the last minute because insurance wouldn’t cover it.  (But it would have been awesome because it was John Wayne’s tongue and I could have sounded like a cowboy!)

Finally, the doctors came to the conclusion that my lisp was a combination of physical and mental factors that were too complex for modern medicine.  My parents were upset at first, because it seemed like all hope was lost for their lisping little boy.  But, the doctors mentioned the possibility of a new technology called the Think Speak.

By attaching several nodes and wires to your head, Think Speak translates your thoughts into spoken word.  The words are spoken by a computerized voice (that sounds remarkably human) from a computer that clips around your waist like a fanny pack.  I don’t think with a lisp, so now I don’t talk with a lisp!  And I can change my voice to sound like just about anyone ever, like Charlie Chaplin, James Earl Jones, Bjork, and even John Wayne.

There are a few set backs, however.  Like when I think something that no one else is supposed to know, maybe about a ladies boobs or that I don’t like the person I’m talking to.  It’s rather awkward when someone is talking to me and I interrupt the conversation with, “I don’t like you.”  And there’s also a slight delay between the thinking and the speaking, kind of like when Dan Rather is talking to a correspondent in Iraq and there is the awkward delay in the conversation about bombs or terror.

But other than that, I love my Think Speak.  Heck, I’m the only person I know that can speak with their brain.