Laugh Tracks

Laugh Tracks

Ben brought up a good point in his last post. Laugh tracks work. They fill the unfunny spaces. THE BIG BANG THEORY is not a funny show. It’s sold as one, but it’s not, not by any stretch of the word. But, when you’re told to laugh at certain points, you can’t help but giggle along.

NO COUNTRY FOR OLD MEN is not a very funny movie, especially the closing scene. But with a laugh track….

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Rating: 3.2/5 (10 votes cast)

View Comments / Mar 26.10 / Laugh Tracks / by Alex Aloise

// You Arrogant Sonsabitches

By Alex Aloise .
11.18.09 // Coffee

Untitled For years I was told that when I got older the best part of waking up would be Folgers in my cup. I’m afraid I’ll have to call bullshit on that one. Those Folgers folks have some serious gall to make such a strong claim. Who are they to assume that the average consumer has an existence so miserable that their only morning solace can come in a steaming cup of their powdered swill? To top it off, their coffee isn’t any good. I’ll take McCafe over Folgers any day of the week. And I don’t even like clowns.

But back to my original point, there are countless other precious gems in life, in the mornings specifically, than Folgers coffee. I doubt the company even took any of these variables into consideration when coming up with their tagline. What if the person in question is happily married? Wouldn’t the best part of waking up for them be that first glimpse of their still-sleeping spouse? (Of course, to give Folgers the benefit of the doubt, if they’re talking primarily to singles who go out, get blitzed, then wake up next to a he/she beast who appears to be wearing some sort of Edgar suit then perhaps their coffee would be the best part of that morning, though I suspect Vodka and an 8ball would do the trick a bit better).

What if the unfortunate Folgers drinker has kids? Surely the best part of waking up for those folks would be the dream-rattling jump on the bed from little Petey and/or Patty. Same thing goes for pets. Except cats. No amount of coffee poured from the teet of the Virgin Mary herself could make those damned things worth getting up for.

You’ve also got to think about location. I just got back from my honeymoon. Know what the best part of my mornings were? The gorgeous GD European sunrises! It sure as hell wasn’t that black tar Folgers confuses for coffee. I had coffee over there, my friends. It’s short, dark, and stronger than a Burmese man with Penis weights. And it’s definitely not Folgers.

Here’s something else that’s probably a better part of waking up than Folgers – WAKING UP! Just be happy you didn’t kick the bucket while you were asleep. With all of the different Flus, Cancers and Heps in the world these days, the last thing I think about when I wake up is that canned ash they call coffee. I’m usually too concerned trying to decide what and who I’m not going to touch that day.

So in closing, I issue Folgers a challenge: Stop being such pompous douchebags and change your tagline to something a little more accurate. May I suggest, “The best part of waking up is everything that actually makes your life worth living, and if you can stomach a cup of Folgers while you’re awake then hey high 5!”

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Rating: 4.0/5 (2 votes cast)

View Comments / Nov 18.09 / Coffee / by Alex Aloise